I seem to have a lot of anger lately. I'm just gonna start with that and get it out of the way. I have pretty severe mood swings, but lately they seem to me more on the negative side. Thanks to my entire high school experience, I've gotten pretty good at feigning a happy face for the benefit of the masses. This is apparently the only falsehood-type thing I'm slightly good at. Lord knows I can't act on stage, and I'm just a horrible, horrible liar. I can't even do it over the phone. But I can pretend everything is going okay like my life depends on it. Sometimes I think it does.
The only problem, really, is that it's just exhausting pretending to be happy all the time, and eventually I will snap if things don't get better. Around the time I sense this happening I try to distance myself from everyone I care about. When I snap, I prefer to be alone, which can be tricky when you live in a tiny box with another person. Speaking of the roommate, I am seriously considering requesting a new one. Yes I know it's late in the year, but I am going to fail my test tomorrow because I'm not getting enough sleep thanks to her snoring. I bitch so much about her snoring on here, but really it's just terrible. My step-dad snores. My mom snores. I've had a couple boy-friends who snore. But she snores louder than ANY of them. I am actually ready to either burst into tears or scream. I can't even block it out anymore since my earphones broke and I'm using my headphones which do nothing for canceling outside noise, no matter how high I turn up the volume on my iPod. Anyways, getting back to that whole anger thing. Since around grade nine, I've learned to control my emotions. My mom is one of the most emotional people I know. People think that my mood swings can be set off easily, but my mom's mood swings can be set off by close to nothing. She's pretty amazing, but just a very emotional person, and expects me to be more emotional sometimes. I am a pretty emotional person, but I keep a lot of things inside. I don't like wearing my heart on my sleeve. There are a few people who I allow to see everything, but for the most part, I try to keep everything under control. This can be good for times like now, when I'm angry at everything and just want to punch stuff, but it's a bit of a double-edged sword. I see people get excited over stuff, and I sometimes wish I could let myself go like that. I wish I could just let go and be overcome with happiness, but I really can't. I don't express happiness the way other people do, and I think I don't feel it the way other people do. I smile, I see everyone around me being excited, and I try my best to blend into the atmosphere, but I feel like it's all just a shell. I'm not empty inside, I'm just very, very guarded. I think this rant has gone on long enough. Also it may make sense in my mind, but it's probably pretty random and jumping from subject to slightly-related subject. Sorry, but I did try to stay on topic. xoxo
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So my roommate's subconscious is practicing some kind of bizarre psychological warfare on me. I swear she is quiet as a mouse when I come home and while I am changing into my pj's but as soon as I get into bed she starts with the snoring at a volume normally reserved for small aircrafts. Which would explain while I'm here, blogging while I wait for the new episode of Glee to loud. Kris, I am so taking you up on your offer to crash at your place asap.
So, I've been inspired by Kris and Jack's more personal blogs to do one on my history to give you a better sense of who I am. I've been debating about which experience to blog about, how much to reveal, and what's appropriate. I've decided on my experience with coming out. I'm from a very small town, so I knew I couldn't come out to any of my friends back home (with two exceptions) until after coming out to my family, because otherwise, they'd hear it from someone else. I also thought I wouldn't be able to come out to my family until after I was done school and wasn't at all dependent on my parents, because I was sure that I would be kicked out. For some reason, I always end up having really meaningful conversations with my mom while we're in the car. I have no idea why. It may have something to do with that being pretty much the only alone time we have together. I believe I was showing her some music from Rent, which turned to a conversation about the content of the movie. At some point I got really frustrated with her talking about how she couldn't understand how gay marriage is bad and la-de-da and just burst out "I'm bisexual". Her response couldn't have surprised me more. She said "Oh, I kind of figured you were. You're always hanging out with those gays." I just stared at her, in shock. "You're...not mad?" I asked "Well what do you expect me to do kick you out?" She laughed. "Ummm...yeah" She sighed, "I've already come to terms with it. You're still my daughter and it doesn't change who you are. But I do want grandchildren....so try to marry a man." At that point I muttered something about adoption and artificial insemination and then sat in silence and let the idea set in that my mom didn't hate me for being different sink in. "You may want to wait a while before telling Tom though". My mom said. "You don't have to remind me" I answered. Tom is my very homophobic step-dad who has, in the past, made comments such as: "They should gather all the fags together, put them on an island, and blow it up." To say I was terrified of coming out to him was an understatement. After being home for a couple days, I came out to my younger brother, who, like my step-dad has made homophobic comments. My hands were actually shaking when I knocked on his door. I stepped inside and sat on his bed beside him. "I have something to tell you" I said. "Shoot" he responded. "I'm bisexual". "Oh. Cool I guess". "You're okay with that?" "Well yeah...I know I say some pretty mean stuff about gay people sometimes but you're you and I'll try not to say 'that's so gay' and stuff anymore if it makes you pissed or whatever" I swear I was so happy at that moment I could have jumped up and down screaming. My mom and my brother accepted me for who I was. It was probably one of the best moments of my life. My mom later told my step-dad about my being bi because I kept putting it off. Apparently, he reacted well, and he hasn't made any homophobic comments (at least in front of me) since he found out. We mostly just acknowledge each other's existence anyways so there was no big crack in our familial bond because of it. So it's 4:08am now and my roomie is still impersonating a truck that won't start. So to Glee it is! I will continue my story of coming out to friends at a later date. Have a good one! I should be sleeping right now. But I'm not because I live in dorms in a tiny box where my roommate, who snores very loud, sleeps roughly four feet away from me. I went to bed at three, it is now seven. I haven't gotten any sleep. So I'm gonna rant about Blue October for a bit because that's the somewhat mellow band I chose to listen to in order to attempt blocking out my roomie's snoring and put myself to sleep.
Really, I love Blue October. Their songs can be a little repetitive but other than that I have no issue with them. But there was one song that just pissed me off because it reminded me of my ex. (Yup, it's gonna be one of those blogs) Let's call him Bobby. Anyways the song that pissed me off was Calling You. For those of you unfamiliar with the song, the chorus consists of the lyris: "I will keep calling you to see If you're sleeping, are you dreaming If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me I can't believe you actually picked me" Awwww, Sounds romantic right? Well its not. Its annoying. Bobby would call me hourly wanting to know what I was doing and who I was with. I actually had an argument with him because I refused to leave my phone on while I was sleeping. His side of the argument was "What if I need to know where you are?" My side was "I"m in bed genius, and I'd rather not wake up every time someone drunk texts me. You're not the only person with my number. Also I have a roommate who'd rather not wake up every time you're feeling insecure" Ok. Now that that's out of my system...I really shouldn't blog on no sleep. XOXO, T-Girl |
T-Girl
The one with estrogen. Bisexual, student, poet. Intrigued? Well good thing there's an entire blog for you to read then. Archives
May 2014
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